Various things!
Oct. 25th, 2025 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blackiceboba It's that time of year where I spend the next three months with some kind of sinus issues. And as such have trouble sleeping.
I stayed up most of the night catching up on OXBOX's Hallowstream vids (or a couple of them anyway), had a few groceries delivered and took a five hour nap. Or more accurately, I went to bed at like four am. I was going to TRY to stay up all night and go to bed early tonight since I have work tomorrow but I dozed off at some point.
I did catch up on the new chapters of TSHD. I thought I was only one chapter behind but I was WRONG. OMG.
And the next volume is out on Tuesday so I need to remember to leave money back for that.
The Band Camino concert is in like. . .four weeks? I keep forgetting it's that soon. I still need to buy a bag that's the right size so I can take my phone and money in. I need to keep back enough money for lyfts to and from and also for a tshirt if they have them. I didn't get one at BLG and I have regrets.
I got a few groceries I still needed in the apartment and got the dishes finished/put away/litter boxes cleaned. The apartment is still cluttered and doesn't feel nice to be in, because I get overwhelmed/tired so quickly but it's better than it was, anyway. I can at least call maintenance tomorrow to come fix the dishwasher.
I need to figure out how to. . .my biggest issue with money is that I spend money on like food/take out that I don't need to spend money on. And I come up with excuses to do it. Some of it when it comes to ordering delivery is that I went through a point where I DIDN'T have food in the house because when I worked my old job I didn't always have TIME to do the shopping so I ordered out a lot. And I still get into that mentality that I don't have food at home and I do. Like I ordered breakfast from McDonald's this morning and there was no reason for it. But I was still in that idea of "oh there are no clean dishes". No. There are. You absolutely finished the dishes last night while listening to Hallowstream. Or "oh, I don't have food in the house."
Like I FORGET. And I'm sure some of it is (probably?) unmedicated ADHD. Like I keep thinking I need to buy things that I already bought. It's how I end up spending so much money. I keep thinking I need carpet cleaner. I do not. It's just on the kitchen counter (not where it goes!) instead of where it goes. But trying to figure out a place for everything is overwhelming so I just don't do it. (Part of it is also there is NO storage space for anything in the apartment. I do have an old empty bookshelf in the living room maybe I can turn it into a storage space for like the odds and ends that I need access to every day but don't need to be SITTING ON THE COUNTER.)
Couple that with the fact that I have. . .cleaning related trauma. That sounds so made up but like I have trouble cleaning because I was never taught how but also my mother used to expect me to do everything for her while not having shown me how and then yelling at me and calling me stupid when I didn't know how. It's why I have such a huge block when it comes to anything other than dishes or laundry. Or things the cat needs me to do for him. Any time I wasn't in class or at work, I was expected to be cleaning the house and if I wasn't I was lazy and she would start threatening to kick me out of the house or kill herself because I was ungrateful.
So it makes it hard for me to start and IDK how to get around it.
Bills are going to be extremely tight for the next few months but when they're done and I have a bit more money to play with I'm going to look into a cleaning service who can maybe come in once a month and do the things I have trouble with. (I think I said this already but I cannot remember.)
It's dreary and rainy here today which is usual for this time of year around here and at least it's cool now. It's actually cold at night and I'm avoiding turning on the heat by using the electric blanket and the cat, who also gets cold and wants to lay against me all night.
It reminds me of back when I roomed with some friends, we had one winter where the gas. . pump? Furnace? The thing that heated the house went out and my roommate who owned the house went out and bought everyone heated blankets and hot water bottles so our bedrooms weren't freezing and when he brought me mine, he went "I was going to get you a bigger blanket, but I figured you have two cats and they'll keep you plenty warm."
And he was right. Baby Ro especially would always lay/sleep on top of me.
T also sleeps on top of me but like. . .he wants me to hold him which is a little different.
It's not as late as I think it is, it's just a combination of me going to sleep at an odd time and it being so cloudy out. Either way. Still have time to do some things.
Even if those things are like. . .reading WBK.
And maybe cleaning the kitchen counter if I can get up the energy to do it.
I stayed up most of the night catching up on OXBOX's Hallowstream vids (or a couple of them anyway), had a few groceries delivered and took a five hour nap. Or more accurately, I went to bed at like four am. I was going to TRY to stay up all night and go to bed early tonight since I have work tomorrow but I dozed off at some point.
I did catch up on the new chapters of TSHD. I thought I was only one chapter behind but I was WRONG. OMG.
And the next volume is out on Tuesday so I need to remember to leave money back for that.
The Band Camino concert is in like. . .four weeks? I keep forgetting it's that soon. I still need to buy a bag that's the right size so I can take my phone and money in. I need to keep back enough money for lyfts to and from and also for a tshirt if they have them. I didn't get one at BLG and I have regrets.
I got a few groceries I still needed in the apartment and got the dishes finished/put away/litter boxes cleaned. The apartment is still cluttered and doesn't feel nice to be in, because I get overwhelmed/tired so quickly but it's better than it was, anyway. I can at least call maintenance tomorrow to come fix the dishwasher.
I need to figure out how to. . .my biggest issue with money is that I spend money on like food/take out that I don't need to spend money on. And I come up with excuses to do it. Some of it when it comes to ordering delivery is that I went through a point where I DIDN'T have food in the house because when I worked my old job I didn't always have TIME to do the shopping so I ordered out a lot. And I still get into that mentality that I don't have food at home and I do. Like I ordered breakfast from McDonald's this morning and there was no reason for it. But I was still in that idea of "oh there are no clean dishes". No. There are. You absolutely finished the dishes last night while listening to Hallowstream. Or "oh, I don't have food in the house."
Like I FORGET. And I'm sure some of it is (probably?) unmedicated ADHD. Like I keep thinking I need to buy things that I already bought. It's how I end up spending so much money. I keep thinking I need carpet cleaner. I do not. It's just on the kitchen counter (not where it goes!) instead of where it goes. But trying to figure out a place for everything is overwhelming so I just don't do it. (Part of it is also there is NO storage space for anything in the apartment. I do have an old empty bookshelf in the living room maybe I can turn it into a storage space for like the odds and ends that I need access to every day but don't need to be SITTING ON THE COUNTER.)
Couple that with the fact that I have. . .cleaning related trauma. That sounds so made up but like I have trouble cleaning because I was never taught how but also my mother used to expect me to do everything for her while not having shown me how and then yelling at me and calling me stupid when I didn't know how. It's why I have such a huge block when it comes to anything other than dishes or laundry. Or things the cat needs me to do for him. Any time I wasn't in class or at work, I was expected to be cleaning the house and if I wasn't I was lazy and she would start threatening to kick me out of the house or kill herself because I was ungrateful.
So it makes it hard for me to start and IDK how to get around it.
Bills are going to be extremely tight for the next few months but when they're done and I have a bit more money to play with I'm going to look into a cleaning service who can maybe come in once a month and do the things I have trouble with. (I think I said this already but I cannot remember.)
It's dreary and rainy here today which is usual for this time of year around here and at least it's cool now. It's actually cold at night and I'm avoiding turning on the heat by using the electric blanket and the cat, who also gets cold and wants to lay against me all night.
It reminds me of back when I roomed with some friends, we had one winter where the gas. . pump? Furnace? The thing that heated the house went out and my roommate who owned the house went out and bought everyone heated blankets and hot water bottles so our bedrooms weren't freezing and when he brought me mine, he went "I was going to get you a bigger blanket, but I figured you have two cats and they'll keep you plenty warm."
And he was right. Baby Ro especially would always lay/sleep on top of me.
T also sleeps on top of me but like. . .he wants me to hold him which is a little different.
It's not as late as I think it is, it's just a combination of me going to sleep at an odd time and it being so cloudy out. Either way. Still have time to do some things.
Even if those things are like. . .reading WBK.
And maybe cleaning the kitchen counter if I can get up the energy to do it.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-26 05:45 am (UTC)Figuring out where to start with cleaning is already a huge hassle, even without your history with it. Sending virtual hugs if you want them.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-27 07:41 pm (UTC)I do okay with dishes, laundry and the stuff the cat needs me to do for him because those are things I need to do to be able to carry on my day to day. It's dusting or vacuuming that I have issues with. Or trying to get rid of clutter/things I don't need. (Tho some of that is i need a stronger vaccuum cause the boi's fur does not fuck around. I would like to get a Roomba especially for the living room where we are all the time.)
Returning the hugs!
no subject
Date: 2025-10-26 08:52 pm (UTC)I wonder if reframing cleaning as acts of self care could help avoid the negative associations. Something like "I'm clearing off this table to arrange my manga on it" or "I'll wipe down the bathroom counter and light my favorite candle" so that the tasks are little gifts for yourself rather than obligations. As long as you are comfy & happy in your space, I think you are doing great.
I always fall back on my grandmother's advice: Pick a room, or even a wall or a corner or a shelf. Start there. Don't worry about the rest. Then you always have something nice to look at when the rest overwhelms you. That has been really helpful for me over the years.
Also: Converting the empty bookshelf into Command Central sounds really smart.
no subject
Date: 2025-10-29 12:56 am (UTC)I do notice that I don't have as much of an issue when it's something that like. . .I'm doing to make my time easier. Like the dishes, laundry, etc. It's when it's stuff that's not hindering my day to day life that I have trouble doing. Like. . .dusting or hauling all of the stuff that needs to go to the trash that isn't like daily trash down to the dumpster.
I want to make it so my desk in the bedroom is specifically for writing/keeping my manga that I'm reading stacked there but it's currently holding a bunch of stuff I need to go through and toss.
I do like the idea of just focusing on one piece of room. Unfuck Your Habitat always said to have a place where you could retreat to that wasn't part of your cleaning goal so that when it got overwhelming you could escape there. I also use their 20/10 method where you clean for 20 minutes (or 45/15 depending on your mood) and then when the 20 minutes is over, you can relax for 10. I try to do that.
But I do think. . .it's not like the apartment is unlivable. It's just dusty and cluttered. From where me and the boi live here on a daily basis. Like I said, it stems from my mom acting like even a speck of dust on the table meant the place was filthy.